| Eventually, I intend to post an assortment of mildly amusing creations, such as speeches and the like. For now, a collection of social media blurbs will have to do.
Facebook status/posts greatist hits
- thinks every married person should periodically reflect on their petty selfishness and renew their vowels. "I'd like to buy an 'I', Pat." Sorry, charlie, no more I's in the puzzle of marriage. Only U, baby.
- When does fasting become anorexia? One way to find out. Going to be a long weekend/week.
- Excrement, I stepped on you.
Excrement, why do you do?
I am me, and you are poo.
- Between my father, brother, and myself, we unsportsmanlike Tomlins have officially taken the fun out of every board or card game imaginable. Apologies.
- loves almost every thing. by "love" I mean "greatly repulsed by". and by "almost every" I mean "every". i think i speak for almost everyone i know. and by "think" i mean "think". and i know almost no one. happy sunday, no one.
- today will be better than tomorrow. holla?
- awoke, showered, shaved, had breakfast, drove into work this morning ... only to realize we have the day off after all. idiot!
- Just purchased 3 bottles of wine called Evil, Procrastinate, and Irony. What does this say about me? Sadly, they were out of Sarcasm and Self-Loathjng. High in sulfites, those.
- just invented a new dance move. It's such an obvious one I wouldn't be surprised if someone beat me to it. It goes like this: cross your arms, roll your eyes back in their sockets, and convulse like a spastic fool. I call it The Straitjacket.
- Rebecca Carson Shah: A guy at starbucks made me think of you. Miss you! Ross Tomlin: Dude that was me! The only DC gig I could get was serving orange mocha frappuccinos. Also, thanks for not tipping. B**ch.
- what does it say about a person when he has a dream about eating his own feces. one interpretation: self-loathing is slightly overrated. jeepers i hate me
- is officially giving up on ever making soup from scratch again. Made a whole batch of potato leek soup. Tasted like shit
- "All your basil are belong to us." High five anyone?
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No!
- The most redundant lyric/phrase of all time? "The feelings that I feel inside." The answer ... when we return. Hint: yes.
- Stopped watching the Big Game after the 1st quarter in favor of doing research on a manuscript that will never get published. I hate me.
- is updating his Facebook status.
- is living in the past.
- Dalton Tomlin: Happy Valentine's D--oh, whoops, thought you were a classmate. Happy birthday, ya flabby bastard. Ross Tomlin: i'm working out! i need more time!
- Holly Prosser: Happy birthday! Ross Tomlin: where?!
- Kelly Tomlin: happy birthday, ross! Ross Tomlin: okay go! Kelly Tomlin:?
- Jennifer Hyslop Crow: Happy Birthday...hope life is treating you well. Ross Tomlin: indeed, life owes me!
- Steven Goldman: It's Rosstoberfest! Happy birthday to ya, Big Sir, and hope we see you back in ATX now and again! Ross Tomlin: only gluten-free beer served at rosstoberfest! unbuckle your seat belts, ladies and germs!
- Meredith Gray: Happy Birthday Ross! Come visit Austin again soon! Ross Tomlin: no, you visit houston's crappy suburbs.
- Leslie Goldman: happy birthday ol'chap Ross Tomlin: ol' chap stick, is more like it. thanks for reminding me.
- Mindy Riseden: happy birthday early, Ross!! Ross Tomlin: better early than never
- Stephanie Weber: Hey Ross! Happy (almost) Birthday! Ross Tomlin: indeed! it was a(n) (almost) happy birthday!
- Melissa Shannon: fun things!!! Ross Tomlin: where??
- is having writer's block as he struggles to type this.
- is trying to think of a clever Facebook status update. He appears to have succeeded in spite of himself.
- is jammin' like a jar of Smuckers.
- Ross Tomlin: is going down. Chris Hillar: huh? Ross Tomlin: you heard me.
- is not doing anything of much interest to anyone.
- Ross Tomlin is Ross Tomlin in "Ross Tomlin"
- is unable to come up with a clever status description.
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